There is something down there
hidden in the anxiety
I can feel it here
The vibrations crossing the distance
to shake hands
Introduced – we both scream
internally
reduced to sounds and knots
pregnant with them
but unable to birth them.
Hush now
Run
Debt. I have a car loan and three credit cards. My total credit availability is nearly zero. I make my payments on time and I rarely pay only the minimum.
Employment. I am employed full-time as a retail department manager. I get paid very well. The company provides great benefits. I do not get along with my fellow managers because I am very policy-oriented and I like to be fairly professional, they do not. There is a clique of managers in our store, it’s existed since before I was employed there. It creates an unprofessional environment. I am glad to be gainfully employed, but I wish I could work somewhere that didn’t operate on favoritism and friendship. I never get positive feedback and am constantly having to motivate myself, and give myself kudos for a job well done. The only feedback I ever seem to receive from my managers is something negative. It’s infuriating.
Medical bills. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s this year, before this year I had never had any major extensive medical bills. I am supposed to have a colonoscopy every six months because my dad has colon cancer. It puts me at risk for developing cancer, so they want to keep a close watch to make sure that if it does they can catch it early.
Medication. I have a maintenance medication that I am meant to be on for the rest of my life. I read that the medication could be causing issues to my kidneys. I’ve been experiencing soreness under my ribs on my back.
Making appointments. I may need glasses, but I’m not sure. I definitely need to see a gynecologist for my menstrual cramping. The first day of my cycle is always met with debilitating cramping and body aches, and I have often missed work because of this. Both these things take time and money, and I’m not sure that I can prioritize them.
Being tired. I’m exhausted today but that may be the physical anguish, that is menstruation, at play.
Me-time. I’m not really sure what to do with my free time, when I’m not doing anything with my husband. I was sitting trying to think of what I do for fun and I couldn’t really think of anything aside from watching Netflix and YouTube videos… That’s not great. I usually spend time with my husband doing things. Anything with him is fun, as long as we aren’t annoyed with one another. Just now I was watching YouTube videos, but it made me feel empty and deflated. I should be reading. In the end, I chose to sit down and write this shit.
Myself. Most of all, I’m not enjoying myself right now.
Let’s talk about
establishing healthy values
in yourself and others.
As for yourself
always be a work in progress
know your limits and strengths
There is a seed
inside all of us that will grow
if cared for and watered
There are weeds too
that will choke those seeds to nothing
if not ripped from the soil.
Growth is violent change
raging against the garden
within to find greatness
As for others
gardening is hard, dirty work
find the seed – inspire fruit.
There wasn’t much to go on then
but I’m glad you were my friend
When I kept running
you kept up with me
you saved me.
You were music and love and humor
You were intrigue and guidance
You were the high-water mark
when it felt like I was drowning
There wasn’t much to go on then,
but for a while
we made our own paths together
and those paths exploded into new routes
had you not been there, mine may have ended.
You see
There wasn’t much to go on then
but there was you,
and for that
I would go through it all again.
“I don’t need a doctorate to know
that your facts do not fit with what I think is right”
“The wealthy want what is best for us
why else would they have all the money we helped them earn?”
“The disenfranchised are the real threat
they would kill us all had we not taken all they owned!”
“Poor people are the dregs of life
and when I get rich I’ll put them all in their place.”
“Not everyone needs a living wage
that will just raise the prices for my family to live.”
“Racism died many years ago
we even allowed one of them to be president.”
“Healthcare is a service not a right
Why should I pay taxes for your healthy life style?”
“God gives every cell the right to life
and mothers who abort should be put to death for it.”
“We need religion back in our schools
or else the Jews and the Muslims will brainwash our children.”
“Climate change is a liberal hoax
everything will cool back down once all the ice caps melt”
“They’ve said this before and been censored
but I know they’re right, it’s all over the internet!”
A hollow tree stands
setting sun
the wind teases it
Insides ripe with life
dead somewhere
but hiding it well
Shaded canopy
discarded
such heights tend to burn
Ashen desires
serve the wood
but spoil the leaves
Thick envy
in green moss.
The screams
The screams!
They rise like plumes of smoke in the air
shifting sounds of ardent despair
Without words they speak of horrors
of maligned intent beyond comprehension
that sends the mind reeling
with images that want naught else but to break it.
Those who are fool enough to care
will find their heart in disrepair.
The screams!
Their relentless cacophony
permeates the night constantly.
They’ve drowned all pity in endless noise
the corpse of compassion floats amongst the hate
misery picks away at the flesh
leaving only bone to bleach in the sun.
We have but one comradery
to loathe them for their oddity
The screams.
Those souls that have seen the outside
ever in torment will reside.
The landscape is painted white with the snow
all the foliage is hiding
waiting for warmer days
to be admired
once more
Once more
the world retires
but the fauna will stay
their food and their will subsiding
navigating a space where nothing grows
finding death, famine and men trading blows
blood stained snow from soldiers fighting
On countrymen were they
ordered to fire
once more
once more
Wrapped in barbed wire
pulled behind tanks to flay
skin from bone in painful dividing
their faces would never again be known
a violence beyond describing
this is the way they play
occupiers
Once more
once more
our times are dire
while we thrive in the fray
the world around us is ending
once more.
There are many drops such as these
down flights of acute angled stairs
in hollow bubbles beneath waves
in pregnant bass lines at night raves
the errant shoe from a shocked pair.
But, honestly, who cares?
shadows on walls in caves
mean nothing once outside
if that’s where you reside,
though I am not that brave.
I can’t be saved
not from this ride
not to displease
but no one sees
what they’ve denied
So not one soul decried
despite my expertise
when they dropped me out there
without even cab fair
rooted out like disease.
We are open soars exposed for healing
our scabs peeled back and aired out
all risk with no defense or safety
from those who know our weak points
They burn with hot iron and fire
or soothe with cool salve and care
without them surely wounds would fester.
Grow Gray With Me 