Video

To My Younger Self (Video)

This is part of a collection of poems accompanied by an AI generated illustration as a response to those poems. In the collection, “A Super Collider of Zigs and Zags” by Brendon Behlke, each poem was submitted as a prompt to an AI art generator and produced the artwork on display. To view them the way ancient peoples would have viewed them, you can order a copy of the entire collection, over 100 poems and art pieces, releasing on November 18th 2023 here: https://www.fontainehousepublishing.com/product-page/a-super-collider-of-zigs-and-zags-by-brendon-behlke

Out of Mind, Out of Sight

Could you stash your memories in a secret box,
wrap them in chains and bind them with locks,
if it meant more memories could be made to fit,
in the space you’ve spent your life making for it?

Some thoughts grow and grow and grow
until those thoughts and those memories are all we know,
taking the place of the thoughts we should think now,
unless we can find a way to quiet them somehow.

“Perhaps if we feed them they will just go away,”
I hear a voice inside me meekly say,
but thoughts are like hungry cats pawing at your door,
no matter what you give, they still want more.

A friend told me not to think of them at all,
treat them no better than a fly on the wall,
but thoughts are bigger than flies, louder too,
and if you let them, they’ll hide, jump out and surprise you.

When I asked grown ups what to do, they said,
to find other thoughts or memories to make instead,
but some thoughts don’t like being alone,
and will steal the new ones to make them their own.

In the end I had to find for myself what to do,
because of all those I asked, no one ever really knew.
I held those memories close, whispered softly in their ear,
“I love you, but I need to move on. Don’t worry though, I’ll be near.”

And I gently tucked the thoughts away,
in a big cedar chest labeled, “for another day,”
so I could make new memories, keep the old ones at bay,
but go back to feed them or keep them company should my thoughts stray.

Temperance

Nostrils carved of ice,
the breath slicing through tender lungs,
attacking the warm muscle.

My calves caught
in the maw of my jeans,
like a dogs rubber toy,
no wrenching
or twisting
able to free it;
two layers deep,
in a sandwich of warmth –
hastily readied for the journey,
a school far away at its end.

So I ran.
Slammed the door behind me,
landing on the snow,
not in.

Everything an autumn leaf isn’t,
but landing as they all the same.
I ran, holding my weight like a skirt,
caught in a room of carnivorous formality,
and the snow permitted me upon it.
Having had two days of blistering cold,
beneath bright clear skies.
It was kind and unforgiving.

That threat – I knew.
I ran, and thankfully
never broke through,
I was untouchable.

To My Younger Self:

Enjoy the silences;
the waiting,
slow words.

Not having anything to do;
the leashed phone,
the unknown.

Bruises, cuts and wounds;
the bitter cold,
the searching soul.

The night without street lights;
uncivilized sights,
sunlit rooms.

Enjoy the world
as it was meant to be;
sober, subtle and unexplored,
because in the end
it will turn on you;
bind you in rope,
flood your eyes, your ears,
and leave you with no place
                        to call home.

Ice Fishing on Lake Sakakawea

Water rushes forth
cutting through the landscape
tearing down trees…

In my youth
we would gather there.
That was ‘base.’
Some perversion in the soil
grew it awkward
and preserved it.
There was no other of its like
we’d count,

                “One”

                “Two”

                “Three”
Turn and lay low any who moved.

…bushes, plants
gnashing at them
with a hurricane of white caps,
roiling top soil;
the mangled limbs of old oaks.
The flood consumes the forest
but is unsated,
cartwheeling down the street…

We rode our bikes,
cards in the spokes,
three abreast;
like we each had
a full tank of gas, no curfew.
        some of us didn’t
and only went home
when no one was left
to muffle the night.

Taking with it loose sheets of concrete
gauging them out with the dead ends
of what once was a forest
only a few short moments ago.
As if on a mission
                  serving a purpose
the torrent sprints down main street
a feral beast of a cat
on the serengeti
ignoring all the buildings that lined its path
driven only to one end;
to take down the theater.

In the darkness
outside of time
fantasy becomes tangible
while reality falls away
like sheets of snow
from a hot tin roof.
Captured in that web
I am what I am meant to be
until the lights come on.

It may have been the first to go,
but the flood took the whole town
              and discarded in its place
              a lake

When winter comes
and hides it all beneath ice
          we drill holes
          drink til we are warm
          and toss in a line
      only once in awhile terrified
                        that we’ll pull up
                        some part of that old life.

Neutron Life

I would go outside today
               if it meant I could play with my friends
if I could do more than wave at them
               watch them drift off from my doorstep
getting further and further away
               we’d choose whose yard would host the game
and recite the rules of play
               then make up altogether new ones
and that would become our whole day.
               But now, all of us stay inside
forgetting the rules, forgoing new ones
               adopting only those from where we reside
an intensely smaller world
               the density of a dead star preventing any escape.

From the window I can see where I want to be
               I wave, hoping it will turn to wave back at me.

Center Stage (w/poet Riley Seidel)

a man to match,
two husbands for mother and me,
two pennies shined and spent,
irrelevancy captured in pastiche
be not my father, fleeting, fugacious,
a filament of generational morals
or rather something less gracious.
I burn for my sins, sitting on your pyre
was my death cathartic enough, my child?
did you really have to call me a liar?
I cried for my matrimony,
nineteen and a child already lost,
supposed residual bonding upon this acrimony
can you tell me,
what couldn’t I see?

Beneath those hands
that were once so quick to strike
you hide eyes that shed tears in the light
but remain quietly dry in the darkness.
the audience, with that sad soliloquy, is sedated
but I remain a victim resigned backstage
a witness to all this from an angle much less complicated.
as supporting cast, I played my part,
myself reduced so you could be elevated
though you “died” you lived on in my heart
for the life you were to me was all I had known
until finally those curtains began to close
and I recognized that I was grown.
How could you see, from up high on that stage,
anything that you didn’t want to be shown?

The World is Yours

Locked in wood stocks
the world bound and wound up
             spinning at the whim of a child’s hand
an expectant finger
             waiting for a place to land.

             Like spearmen to a charging horse
the blow lands and stops it dead
a digit stalled sets the course.

In that space dreams are made;
             a poor facsimile of an immutable thing
                           quieted by innocence
                                        inquisitiveness
                                        inspiration
                                        imagination
             and thus made immutable again.

The world in a child’s mind is but a word
             until a place is named
         held down
   and claimed for their future self