Living With a Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness is something that I am new to. I was diagnosed at the start of this year. Here’s how that happened. Forewarning, I discuss bodily functions in this post. Don’t read it, if that kind of thing makes you squeamish.

About two weeks prior to my diagnosis I was bloated, gassy, and constipated which I had taken milk of magnesia to try and relieve. Constipation was not new to me.

One day at work I felt abdominal cramping and when I went to the bathroom I found a substantial amount of bright red blood in my stool. 

I was freaking out because my Dad has colon cancer. Because of that my mind immediately defaulted to “It must be cancer!”

I broke down crying while on the toilet at work. I called my husband to let him know what happened and he calmed me down, and helped me remember that we wouldn’t know what’s wrong until I saw a doctor; he then recommended that I speak to my manager. I had a full-blown panic attack in my manager’s office and then went home.

I went to a clinic where, for the first time in my adult life, someone looked at my butthole. The doctor checked to see if I had a hemorrhoid that may have ruptured, but I didn’t, so she referred me to a gastroenterologist. I went to a gastroenterologist the next day and was scheduled for a colonoscopy the day after. 

The bowel preparation for the colonoscopy was one of the worst things that I have ever experienced. 

After the colonoscopy I was informed that I more than likely had Crohn’s Colitis but they would have to wait for the results of the biopsy that they took to come back to know for sure. The biopsies came back within the next 48 hours and I was officially diagnosed with Crohn’s Colitis and prescribed an anti-inflammatory medication that I would potentially have to be on for the rest of my life, this is when I got to experience medicated enemas for the first time, 30 days worth.

As a woman in her twenties, already struggling to be confident in her own skin; having diarrhea, mucus, and blood coming out of my ass multiple times a day, wasn’t exactly a confidence-booster. 

My self-esteem took a huge blow. 

My relationship suffered. 

My outlook on life was bleak.

I was drowning.

The Cost of Freedom

The broken skyline
bright spires lit red with disaster
empty shells fan the flames faster
when fire and poverty entwine
the wind too will become aligned
chaotic like a child’s laughter
the broken skyline
bright spires lit red with disaster

Democracy demonstrated
and remotely detonated

To the world they have consigned
these streets filled with blood and plaster
tiled with bones of alabaster
a bit of truth in the maligned;
the broken skyline.

Without Justice Odysseus is Abandoned

[Axioms drown the truth
we annexed the world
before we adopted reason
Reason we left abandoned]

[Orphaned from brutal parentage
another Odysseus sold away
and forgotten once convenient
Achilles left raging onward]

[Journey’s end approaches soon;
know justice lives on
our death just confirms
we have no jurisdiction]

[Where is the future?
the world moves on
ever forward without us.
Relieved, the world weeps]

Exist

Exist within the existential crises.

Are you afraid of death, and the end to it all? 

I think that fear is a very reasonable response. We exist for such a tiny period of time and then we don’t. Death is a scary thing to come to terms with, even if you have beliefs in things like an afterlife.

I have found myself crying for hours because of this thing that I cannot avoid. Death is inevitable. Logically I should put it out of my mind entirely since my thinking about it will only burden me mentally and physically which in turn shortens my lifespan further.

Isn’t it interesting that the primary reason we are afraid of dying is that we have so much that we love in our lives, you don’t want it to end, but then waste time being afraid and sad which leads to not engaging with the things that we love. It’s amusing to think how counterintuitive that is.

Focus on what you can control and let the things that you cannot control go.

Don’t leave space for dread. Actively focus on the things that you love. Allow those things to fill that space. Utilize your time the best that you can so that, at the end of it, you won’t feel like you missed any opportunities to enjoy living.

“Jealousy”

“Jealousy” is suspended art.

Hanging from the ceiling, made up of a collection of objects that are placed in positions to create a larger picture. When you look at it from far away and from the correct angle, you can identify it as “Jealousy”, but when you get close to each piece that makes it up you don’t see “Jealousy” only the many pictures of memories and experiences, torn up, crumpled up, and arranged just so that have been curated over time. Funny enough, some of the art is made up of the same pictures.

I have a gallery filled with art titled “Love”, “Desire”, “Creativity”, “Sense of Humor”, “Insecurity”, “Depression”, “Mania”, “Separation-Anxiety”, “Jealousy” and more. We all have this, or something like it. Each gallery is similar in appearance, but upon closer inspection are made up of different images.

Sometimes the art here obscures each other and I can’t see “Happiness” through “Jealousy” and “Insecurity”.

“Creativity” and “Sense of Humor” among others, are made from overlapping pieces, they use segments of “Depression”, “Love”, “Insecurity” etc.

I am not fond of every piece of art in my gallery. In fact, I would like to set fire to a few of them. I wonder, without them, would I continue to exist?

I have a parasite…

I have a parasite.

It originated in the depths of my gut, crawled up my spine, behind my brain and then enveloped it. It comes with a heavy heat, like the inside of a car in Phoenix, Arizona on a summer’s day. It is rooted in my psyche, but occasionally manifests physically. The heat is followed by a fog, and the mind is made obscure. Irritability and confusion kick in thereafter. All of this is happening while I am working, spending time with friends, doing chores, or attempting to binge watch a new show. I attempt to shake it off but it clings with a strength I currently cannot overcome.

This parasite that wreaks havoc on my mind and body is known commonly as “jealousy”.

Phoenix

Let’s bring fire to this thing and set it free
burn these cages down to the ground
All those lives we’ve left abandoned and bound
those blind folded eyes that we demand, “see!”

no longer can we resign to let them be
raise your hands, your voice, raze the town!
Let’s bring fire to this thing and set it free
burn these cages down to the ground

Embrace your anger in apogee
bury the world in righteous sound
bring an ocean of will to find your opposition drowned
We have left but one philosophy;
Let’s bring fire to this thing and set it free.

Guilt

Abolish this burden inside
the corpse of the future excised
an unavoidable demise
seeded in me to now reside

Sounds of writhing are amplified
as the roots force the flesh incised
“Abolish this burden inside
the corpse of the future excised”

There is still warmth I must confide
as if one could make heat from lies
this life found to be death disguised
it remains here though I have died,
abolish this burden inside.

You Must be So Aged to Ride this Ride

Youth was such a storm of progress
shards of life in broken houses
compiled sweetly to impress

Older but still young at heart
I made knives from shattered glass
cut myself from cloth with class

Only time lapse could capture younger days
the ones now burn slow and pass in a phrase
something about redefining success

There is no need for time to keep going
the river flows against our rowing

but the water rushes onward still
despite efforts to paddle uphill

An Evening Fog

Loud laughter echoes in the night
turmoil ripping through sober thoughts
the tranquil air thus met with blight
to bare the yoke that madness sought.

Beneath this burden I was caught
trying to connect sound with sight
while in my mind a war was fought
loud laughter echoes in the night.

It consumes me with such great fright
threads of sanity frayed and fraught
all the sense and reason taking flight
Turmoil ripping through sober thoughts

the joyous sound reaps what was wrought
as evening overcomes twilight
darkness becomes a juggernaut
the tranquil air thus met with blight

strikes me like a meteorite;
suddenly I am me but not
the truth inside is held down tight
to bare the yoke that madness sought

dim enough to have been forgot
though behind the mind it shines bright
and bricks can birth the Argonaut
just split thine head to release the light.
Loud laughter echoes.