The sound the shovel makes against the earth
feels like a baseball caught in a glove,
it feels like green lights or a found quarter.
The dirt looks like moist brownies
fresh and rich with delicious darkness
a curated destination for well off worms
The broken grass looks no worse
a verdant shag of carpet deep and vibrant
a parade of party poppers exploding green.
A good place to bury a friend
though they’ll never know it.
Approaching a House in the Cool Evening
I’m caught, mid step, by the lattice work
tiny wood planks interlocked
holding hands, passing over and under
form and function in tandem
drowning in green chaos, unaware
of the waxy verdant tendons
strangling them.
Desperately those vines climb
towards a sun they anticipate
but cannot know in this darkness,
the ambitions of the young – the restless
trapezing over the dormant dreams
of the old dead gods that once stood
tall
proud
fierce
and free
that once reached for the same sun
for a life that could never be.
The sun rises.
From up there this must all seem vexing.
We imprison ourselves
torture ourselves
all for the glory of our future selves
a version of ourselves that won’t want to manifest
with all that we’ve done to ourselves
just to get there,
reducing the distance a little each day
becoming more realistic
spinning tires.
The sun sets.
with its head low to the ground
wondering why we measure ourselves against it
when it is the earth that is spinning
kicking up history
sinking deeper into the void.
You are born to this earth worthless
less than that
a negative value we are meant to fill
though you never see the bill
you just have to find a way to pay it.
But don’t worry
someone will tell you
the ones who came before had a bill to pay too
and whatever they couldn’t they’ll bequeath to you.
Once you’ve tackled what they left behind
you can start adding value against your debt
but don’t be surprised when it’s time to collect
and there is a lifetime or more that is left
yet no time remains to pursue it.
Gift your unpaid debt to another
tell them all the things you wanted to do
to give your life value and prove your worth
and have them take on that pursuit
they can always deal with their own debt later.
Everything is.
Changing that is not an option
it will be as it has been
and we too are there within
pearls amid grains of sand
moving through a tunnel
to find an end
and there begin
unchanging.
Observed but not seen
the value is the sum
not the equation
but the equation
is everything.
I would go outside today
if it meant I could play with my friends
if I could do more than wave at them
watch them drift off from my doorstep
getting further and further away
we’d choose whose yard would host the game
and recite the rules of play
then make up altogether new ones
and that would become our whole day.
But now, all of us stay inside
forgetting the rules, forgoing new ones
adopting only those from where we reside
an intensely smaller world
the density of a dead star preventing any escape.
From the window I can see where I want to be
I wave, hoping it will turn to wave back at me.
He’s pounding on the wall
and I’m running, mindfully
careful not to fall
lest I be at the end of such malice
[thud. thud-thud]
Anger channeled as force
raging through the empty house
a tool of the source
reaching out, softening me up with sound
[thud. THUD-thud]
Each closer than the last
broken by heavy foot falls
that trample my past
a slow rhythm to pound out the meters
[THUD. THUD-THUD]
It strikes above me now
a torrent of breath heaving
smiling somehow
as if he knows my heart and devours it.
I want to ask questions with no answers
to hear myself think and savor the sound.
I want to say I am alive but doubt it
because what is living anyway?
I want to take up space
even if most of it is empty.
I want to be a bunch of particles
convulsing in the vastness of void
pretending to be interested in order.
But, instead, here I am:
Caucasian male, 39, 5’6”, employed
with a credit score of 650.
All I’ll ever need to be.
Born an orphan by design
the innocence sacrificed for another’s pursuits
a family was found
between the first four walls
and the next
and the next
and the next
until finally stability is refined.
Raised by standards defined in letters
evaluated by predatory minds
Growing to be what others desire
rather than the truth inside.
The heart that yearns for freedom,
finds solace in companions
who weep the same laments.
They know nothing of the ends they seek
They know only what is told to them
shown to them
Sensing there is greener grass elsewhere
yet only knowing grass as a concept,
familiarity can only harm them in the end.
Finally, someone concedes they are good enough
they’ve measured up to a harsh stick
held by a hand hidden
leaving the heard to pursue their purpose,
to sell their value to the highest bidder.
Standing before them, vindicated
They are stunned, bled, skinned, eviscerated
then packaged, stamped and given a grade.
Everything we are is numbers
a menagerie of mathematics
calculations carved from chaos
manifest as the universe expressed
perspective brought to life as art.
Take away the day to day
the duties and obligations
the life we put on display
and the one we hide in resignation;
everything we are is numbers.
Let that comfort you in your time of need
when it seems all is fraught with terror
do not deceive yourself to concede,
all faults are just statistics and errors
a menagerie of mathematics
while you, the consciousness that remains,
define the order of operations
by which all else is contained;
disorder made numerical expectations
calculations carved from chaos.
Take these puzzled notions to heart
for it is not your task to find a solution
only to be present and take part
let existence be enough of a contribution
manifest as the universe expressed.
We are genesis and annihilation
the greatest pleasure and the most heinous pain
we are more than our birth or our station
we are what discord was meant to obtain;
perspective brought to life as art.
Grow Gray With Me 