Monthly Archives: October 2021

Surreptitous

Wind settles to rise again
Tacit words in the darkness of our mind
both maligned and constrained

What future would bear their weight?
Even the past refused the encumbrance
resigned to slumbrous fate

And thus the wind will collapse
as forgotten phrases from long ago
They flow, fall, then relapse

Yet still they both hide a storm
the scent of distant gray clouds in retreat
like peat the sun made warm

Regrets are the ghost of life
ever they rise again to haunt our thoughts
the mind caught amidst strife

We charge the mic with our song
but often old words hold new words captive
the active words made wrong

The melody thus silenced
we find solace in the moments between
a routine of violence

Witness the corpse of our muse
but bear in mind not all is truly lost
the cost of fear recused

But it will wake in the sea
the crashing waves of errant thoughts at night;
dying light sets them free.

Trainspotting

It was so hard to love you
difficult – but no less true
not for our lack of trying
just crying and failed pursuits.

I adored what you should be
if you had ever been free
to choose us over the fight
for the right to always flee

You so loved being needed
until us tributes pleaded
for your need in return
a concern left unheeded

I sat for hours on the bank
a stowaway on the plank
hoping for your kind reprieve
left there to grieve as I sank

I imagined I could tell
that I knew your car so well
to identify the sound –
all I found were my dreams quelled

‘Twas never your car.
cold and alone with the stars
waiting for you to arrive
still alive – gathering scars

These days I’m a parent too
trying not to be like you –
I too feel the need to flee…
look at me – nothing is new.

The Bounty

Charred wood and ash stirred to bright gold embers
violence begat flames that fold in tongues
crack like whips in darkness to inspire lust
the night takes the fire into its lungs

Thoughts are loud – though they remain unspoken
silence is where the sane call their home
the madness restrained surely dies inside
or there resides like eyes free to roam

The sounds of life are encumbered with death
all felt the time plundered as an offense
the cliff ending while they keep running on
absence becoming something immense.

But finality waits for tomorrow
they will travel no more after this
Three weeks to create a friend from nothing
one rope to end it all in abyss.

Appeal

There is something down there
   hidden in the anxiety
       I can feel it here

The vibrations crossing the distance
    to shake hands

Introduced – we both scream
                internally
    reduced to sounds and knots
pregnant with them
                    but unable to birth them.

Hush now

                                      Run

Things that I am not enjoying in life right now:

Debt. I have a car loan and three credit cards. My total credit availability is nearly zero. I make my payments on time and I rarely pay only the minimum.

Employment. I am employed full-time as a retail department manager. I get paid very well. The company provides great benefits. I do not get along with my fellow managers because I am very policy-oriented and I like to be fairly professional, they do not. There is a clique of managers in our store, it’s existed since before I was employed there. It creates an unprofessional environment. I am glad to be gainfully employed, but I wish I could work somewhere that didn’t operate on favoritism and friendship. I never get positive feedback and am constantly having to motivate myself, and give myself kudos for a job well done. The only feedback I ever seem to receive from my managers is something negative. It’s infuriating.

Medical bills. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s this year, before this year I had never had any major extensive medical bills. I am supposed to have a colonoscopy every six months because my dad has colon cancer. It puts me at risk for developing cancer, so they want to keep a close watch to make sure that if it does they can catch it early. 

Medication. I have a maintenance medication that I am meant to be on for the rest of my life. I read that the medication could be causing issues to my kidneys. I’ve been experiencing soreness under my ribs on my back.

Making appointments. I may need glasses, but I’m not sure. I definitely need to see a gynecologist for my menstrual cramping. The first day of my cycle is always met with debilitating cramping and body aches, and I have often missed work because of this. Both these things take time and money, and I’m not sure that I can prioritize them.

Being tired. I’m exhausted today but that may be the physical anguish, that is menstruation, at play.

Me-time. I’m not really sure what to do with my free time, when I’m not doing anything with my husband. I was sitting trying to think of what I do for fun and I couldn’t really think of anything aside from watching Netflix and YouTube videos… That’s not great. I usually spend time with my husband doing things. Anything with him is fun, as long as we aren’t annoyed with one another. Just now I was watching YouTube videos, but it made me feel empty and deflated. I should be reading. In the end, I chose to sit down and write this shit.

Myself. Most of all, I’m not enjoying myself right now.

Horticulture

Let’s talk about
establishing healthy values
in yourself and others.

As for yourself
always be a work in progress
know your limits and strengths

There is a seed
inside all of us that will grow
if cared for and watered

There are weeds too
that will choke those seeds to nothing
if not ripped from the soil.

Growth is violent change
raging against the garden
within to find greatness

As for others
gardening is hard, dirty work
find the seed – inspire fruit.